Campaign:

Richard the Magic-User
Chris the Thief
Rob the Cleric

Locations:

The Dark Pub of Rawdor (trendy sushi restaurant)

Summary:

When we last saw our intrepid explorers, Rob had just bought a shot for the grenade, Rachel. The 9.2 was smoldering. Richard was sulking and Chris had devolved into indecipherable chat room speak. If you want the full version, go here.

Also, for those of you unfamiliar with Dungeons & Dragons: Characters possess six descriptive traits–strength, intelligence, wisdom, dexterity, constitution, and charisma. When you first create a character, you roll a six-sided die three times to determine the scores of these traits…allowing a minimum of 3 and a maximum of 18. And during the game, when you interact with others, rolling dice determines the likelihood of your success or failure.

—

RICHARD: I want to leave.

CHRIS: We can’t leave. We still have to hit on that other waitress.

RICHARD: You know, Chris, when you told me you rolled a 3 for intelligence, I didn’t believe it. But every time you open your mouth you prove me wrong.

CHRIS: LOL

RICHARD: Sometimes I wish I had rolled a 3. You’d think having an 18 would make it easier to pick up girls, but it doesn’t. All you do is see the absurdity of the whole thing.

CHRIS: I’m gonna go drain my dragon. If that waitress comes by, tell her I have a nine-inch cock.

ROB: So I say to Rachel, “I like your shoes.”

DUNGEON MASTER ROLLS THE 12-SIDED DIE.

DM: She blushes and smiles. Her gums are too big for her teeth. She says, “Thanks. They’re normally like $150 and I got ’em for $35.”

ROB: I say, “Wow, that’s a hell of a deal. Queen of the bargain-hunters, eh?”

DM: Richard, the 9.2 steps closer to you and says, “So, you come here often?”

RICHARD: I say, “Don’t steal my pickup lines.”

DM: She says, “Right. Because they’re so original.”

RICHARD: I ask what her name is.

DM: She says, “Summer.”

RICHARD: Come on, her name is Summer? Where did you get this adventure? Cliche’s-R-Us?

DM: She’s waiting for your response.

RICHARD: Obviously I introduce myself.

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: She says, “So, I disagree with you about the absurdity of coming to a bar to meet people.”

RICHARD: I say, “Oh, really, why is that?”

DM: She says, “Don’t you think it occurs in nature? Animals gather at the watering hole, and then sex happens?”

ROB: Whoa.

RICHARD: Holy shit. She’s smart.

ROB: Thanks for being my wingman. Time for me to move in.

RICHARD: Whatever, grenade-jumper.

ROB: That was part of my plan, dude. It made her jealous.

RICHARD: She’s talking to me.

ROB: To make me jealous. She’s running game on you.

CHRIS: Hey, guys. Look who I ran into coming back from the bathroom!

ROB: Jesus, what is that glare? Is it the sun?

RICHARD: Gary, what’s up, man?

GARY: Don’t “What’s up” me. I tagged you four days ago. Thanks for nothing, asshole.

ROB: Gary, your fucking head is too shiny. Rub some powder on that thing.

RICHARD: You mean the book tag? Isn’t that sort of a bullshit tag?

ROB: All tags are bullshit. Fucking worthless.

CHRIS: ROTFLMAO!

RICHARD: All right, all right. I ask Summer if she has a book in her purse.

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: She says, “Sure.” She pulls out Atonement by Ian McEwan.

RICHARD: I tell her, “Open it to page 123 and find the fifth sentence. Then read me the next four sentences.”

DM: She reads, “There was no way out. He would have to speak to her. He put his hand over the bell push. Still, it remained tempting to walk away.”

ROB: Um, that’s weird.

CHRIS: You’re weird!

ROB: No, it’s like those lines were written for this blog.

CHRIS: Your lines were written for this blog!

RICHARD: Now what are you doing, J-Hole?

CHRIS: It’s this new thing I learned where you take what someone said and put “you’re” in front of it.

ROB: That’s stupid.

CHRIS: You’re stupid!

ROB: Anyway, I put my arm on Rachel’s shoulder and guide her closer to you guys. I say, “Rachel here was telling me about her mad shopping skillz.”

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: Summer says, “Well, we’re all good at something.”

ROB: I say to Summer, “What are you good at? Besides being hot?”

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: Summer sort of smirks, but doesn’t respond.

ROB: I say, “No, really. What do you do for a living?”

DM: She says, “I’m an attorney.”

CHRIS: ROFLCOPTER! An attorney named Summer!

DM: The waitress approaches. She says, “If you guys don’t want to wait for the bartender every time, you can get your drinks from me.” She winks at Richard.

ROB: At Richard? I’m the one running game here!

RICHARD: I ask what the girls want, and then I order for all of us.

ROB: Hey, wait. Weren’t there originally three girls? What happened to the other one?

DM: Ah, shit. I forgot about her. Um…she, uh…she walked off. She got distracted by some guy at the bar.

ROB: That guy? The short one?

DM: Yeah, he’s running some major game on her. She’s all over him.

CHRIS: He’s like three feet tall!

RICHARD: Who he, anyway? Looks familiar.

DM ROLLS THE 12-SIDED DIE.

DM: He goes by El Supremo. He doesn’t like using his real name.

ROB: All you have to do is reply to one of his blog comments and it shows up.

DM: I know. But anyway, the third girl is gone.

RICHARD: Looks like Chris is out of luck.

CHRIS: STFU! I’m hitting on the waitress. Before she leaves to get our drinks, I say, “Hi, honey. What’s your name?”

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: She says, “Clobumia. And don’t call me honey, fucktard.”

RICHARD: Hahahahaha!!!!!111oneoneonelololollllzzzzz

CHRIS: STFU.

***