Campaign:

Richard the Magic-User
Chris the Thief
Rob the Cleric

Location:

The Dark Pub of Rawdor (trendy sushi restaurant)

RICHARD: I say we enter through the east door and look around the room for beautiful babies who want to party.

ROB: We should make sure the doorknob isn’t booby trapped.

CHRIS: You said booby.

DUNGEON MASTER: You enter through the east door. The doorknob isn’t booby trap–

CHRIS: He said booby.

DM: Right. Anyway, you see a semicircular bar. All the barstools are taken. The area behind the barstools is completely full of people. There are three tables in the bar. All are taken.

RICHARD: Maybe we should find another Dark Pub.

CHRIS: Nonsense! By Granthar’s hammer, we will find some hot bitches tonight!

ROB: It’s GRABthar’s hammer, you loser. And that’s not funny.

CHRIS: Yes, it is. LOL.

RICHARD: You don’t say LOL out loud, dude. That’s for text-based communication.

DM: You guys are standing inside the door debating about text-based communication. You’re blocking the entrance. In fact, two hot waitresses are waiting to get past you.

CHRIS: Two hot waitresses! Let’s hit on ’em!

ROB: Not the waitress, dude.

DM: Are you engaging these waitresses in conversation or not?

ROB: No.

CHRIS: I am. I say to the closest one, “So, are you guys busy tonight?”

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: She winks and says “It sure is, honey.” Then she walks past you.

CHRIS: She winked at me! Nice!

ROB: She’s the fucking waitress, Chris. That’s her job.

CHRIS: Let’s hit on the other one, too!

RICHARD: No, let’s get a drink. We walk over to the bar and order three beers.

DM: You can’t get to the bar, I told you. They’re stacked four deep.

RICHARD: Okay, so we wait in line.

CHRIS: I say we flash a Hamilton to get the bartender’s attention.

ROB: Is the bartender a dude or a chick?

DM: A chick.

CHRIS: Let’s hit on her!

DM: There are three girls with shiny, primped hair directly in front of you, waiting to order. You can’t see their faces. They smell nice. One of them is wearing body glitter.

RICHARD: I say to the closest one, “You come here often?”

DM ROLLS THE 12-SIDED DIE.

DM: She doesn’t turn around.

RICHARD: Did she not hear me, or is she ignoring me?

DM: I can’t tell you that.

CHRIS: Where’s that waitress who winked at me?

RICHARD: I lean toward the girl and put my hand on her shoulder. I say, “So, you come here often?”

DM ROLLS THE 12-SIDED DIE.

DM: She turns around. She’s a 9.2. She says, “I heard you the first time.”

RICHARD: I say, “Right. So what’s your name?”

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: She looks at you for a second and then turns around.

RICHARD: She didn’t answer?

DM: No.

ROB: What’s wrong with your dice? You keep rolling 1’s.

DM: Maybe it’s your technique.

CHRIS: We need some drinks. I say we order shots. That’ll be an immediate +5 on confidence.

RICHARD: I’m already wearing my +5 Shirt of Influence from Penney’s. Untucked, even. And I sprayed on some +3 Scent of Drakkar before we left.

ROB: I would say that’s more like -3.

DM: The girl Richard spoke to turns around and says, “I’m going with -5” and laughs.

CHRIS: Whoa, I think she likes Rob.

ROB: You mind if I talk to her?

RICHARD: Dude, she’s a 9.2!

ROB: So? Don’t make her off-limits because she didn’t want to talk to you.

RICHARD: She completely blew me off!

CHRIS: I yell to the bartender, “Hey, bartender! Get us some drinks!”

DM ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

DM: The bartender isn’t going to serve you at all tonight unless you roll at least a 14.

CHRIS: What? A saving throw? I was just kidding!

DM: Roll the die.

CHRIS ROLLS THE 20-SIDED DIE.

CHRIS: Ha, a 17!

ROB: You lucky bastard. So can I talk to that girl or not?

RICHARD: All right.

ROB: I don’t talk to her right away. Instead I say to her friend, “If you can talk the bartender into pouring my friends and me a round of Jager bombs, there’s one it for you, too.”

DM: The friend turns around. She’s a 6.1.

CHRIS: ROFLWAFFLES! Rob jumped on the grenade!

RICHARD: Stop talking like a chat room, J-Hole!

DM: The friend smiles and says, “How about shots for my two friends?”

ROB: I say, “No, just you.”

DM ROLLS THE 12-SIDED DIE.

DM: She agrees. Plus, the 9.2 is now looking at you. She appears jealous of the friend.

RICHARD: What? What just happened?

CHRIS: I slam my Hamilton down on the bar to pay for the shots.

DM: The bartender says, “That’ll be $44.”

CHRIS: What? $44?

ROB: I ask the friend’s name.

DM: She says, “Rachel.”

ROB: “Very nice to meet you, Rachel.”

DM: The 9.2 is smoldering.

ROB: I’m ignoring her.

CHRIS: He’s playing hard to get. ur so cool, Rob!!!11oneoneonelolzzzzz

RICHARD: Yeah, whatever. UFFme.

***

Want more? Read Scene 2.