Everyone is required to take an exam before being issued a driver’s license, but there are two problems with this: a) when you’re sixteen, you care a whole lot more about impressing the opposite sex than you care about driving skills, and b) half the shit they teach in Driver’s Ed is wrong, anyway. So here is a little quiz. Keep track of your scores, and we’ll grade at the end.

Category 1: Speed

1. You’re driving on a normal surface street and the speed limit is 40 miles per hour. The correct speed to drive is:

a) 40 miles per hour. Duh!

b) 35 miles per hour. Better safe than sorry.

c) 49 miles per hour. Screw the speed limit.

Of course the correct answer is c, 49 miles per hour. Only a bored cop is going to pull you over for driving 45, and most won’t even bat an eye unless you’re going 10 over the limit. So unless you’re 65 years old and have failing coordination, or you’re driving under the influence of alcohol, or you’re on a neighborhood street, never drive the actual speed limit. Only jackholes are obedient enough to drive the exact posted speed. Besides, speed limits are determined by observation. If we all drive faster, the speed limits will go up!

2. You’re driving 49 mph in a 40 mph area and notice a flashing light indicating a 25 mph school zone ahead. The correct action to take is:

a) Don’t slow down. Screw the little kids.

b) Slow down to 40 mph. You can always claim you didn’t see the flashing yellow light.

c) Slow down to 25 mph. Little kids leave big dents in your front bumper.

The correct response is c, slow down to 25 mph. I don’t care how much of a hurry you’re in, you can slow down for ten fucking seconds to save the life of a child. Besides, the fines for speeding through a school zone are outrageous!

3. Once you’ve cleared the school zone, and the speed limit returns to 40 mph, you should:

a) Continue driving 25 mph. You’re a stupid jackhole who has no attention span, so once you see a school zone you completely forget what the normal speed limit is for the next ten minutes.

b) Resume your previous speed. You’re intelligent and handsome, and you pay attention to the road.

The answer here is b, resume your previous speed. Pay attention to the road, jackhole.

4. You’re speeding along at nine over and you notice a police officer ahead, going the same direction as you. What do you do now?

a) Slow down to 10 mph. Any police officer will immediately pull you over if you go anywhere near him.

b) Drive exactly the same speed as the officer, beside him or behind him, even if he comes to a complete stop. Never pass a police car!

c) Drive past him at five over the speed limit. You were born with balls (real or metaphorical) and you’re willing to use them.

Hmm, I wonder what the answer here is? It’s c, drive past him at five over the speed limit. Don’t be a baby. Almost no cop is going to ticket you for five over. In fact, most will respect you for not driving like a baby. One of my good friends is a cop, and he says they laugh at drivers who won’t pass them. Still, driving past a cop a nine over is just stupid.

5. You’re an obedient jackhole who drives the speed limit. You happen to notice another obedient jackhole driving beside you, going the same direction. In this situation you:

a) Maintain your speed. This way, no asshole speeders can get past your force field.

b) Pass the other jackhole or allow him to pass you, so traffic doesn’t back up behind you for nine miles.

I’m sure everyone will guess the answer to this one: b, get out of the fucking way! Don’t clog the road, jackholes! If you’re going to drive the speed limit, get in the far right lane, for heaven’s sake.

Category 2: Right of way

1. You’re approaching an intersection where you want to turn left. There is a left turn lane. The proper time to activate your blinker is:

a) You don’t use your blinker. Fuck other drivers.

b) Get in the left turn lane and then switch on your left blinker.

c) You’re intelligent and observant. You switch on the blinker before you get in the left turn lane.

Okay, I admit, this is a tricky one. Some of you may think (a) is correct, while (b) is the option most often used by drivers. But in reality, the proper time to turn on your blinker is c) before you get in the left turn lane! The point of the blinker is to signal someone about your intentions. By the time you get in the left turn lane, everyone already knows you’re going to turn left. Why put on your blinker after you’re already in there? It doesn’t make any sense.

2. You’re on a wide residential street–at least three or four cars wide. There aren’t any white or yellow lines painted on the street. You reach a stop sign and want to turn left onto a busy, major road. Now you:

a) Pull all the way to the right side of the road and then turn left, because the stop sign is like a goddamned magnet for some people.

b) Run the stop sign. Driving rules are for losers.

c) Imagine there is a left turn lane and go to the middle of the road.

The answer to this one is: c, use the imaginary left turn lane. That way, people who want to turn right don’t have to wait for you. The same rule applies for parking lots, jackhole!

3. You’re entering a busy, controlled-access freeway that is four lanes on each side. The proper way to merge is:

a) Immediately cross all four lanes of traffic, nearly broadsiding a Dodge Stratus and a Ford Excursion, so that you can take your rightful place in the farthest left lane.

b) Merge into the closest lane, and gradually change lanes as needed.

What do you know, the answer is b, don’t be a jackhole! Anyone starting to notice a pattern here? The pattern is not to be a jackhole. Be cool to others the way you’d want them to be cool to you.

4. While we’re on the subject of the left lane of the freeway, try this question: You’re in the left lane driving 70 mph in a 65-mph zone. Another, faster driver approaches you from behind. Now you:

a) Refuse to get out of the way. You’re already going over the speed limit and have every right to the left lane!

b) Slow down to piss off the driver behind you. If he flashes his headlights, slam on the brakes.

c) Get out of the left lane, jackhole.

No matter how fast you drive, there is eventually going to be someone faster. This is why we use the left lane for passing and the other lanes for regular driving. Even if you’re driving 95, there might be someone behind you going 100. So the correct answer is c, get out of the way, jackhole!

Category 3: Extra credit

Here are some essay questions. Send in your answers for extra credit!

1) Why do people refuse to drive above the speed limit, but they’ll put the petal to the metal to run a yellow light? Are these the same people who drive 3 mph everywhere but barge through stop signs without so much as a flicker of brake lights?

2) Who are these lazy jackholes who park in the fire lane at the grocery store? Is it really that difficult to walk an extra fifty feet from a real parking spot? (And by the way, you aren’t fooling anyone when you leave your kid in the passenger seat. It doesn’t make it any less wrong just because someone is waiting for you to come back).

3) Same goes for the handicap spots. How can you sleep at night when you’re the kind of person who parks in a spot reserved for people who have trouble walking?

4) Compare and contrast the act of orbiting the parking lot for ten minutes looking for a closer spot with simply parking in the first available spot and walking a little farther. Can you identify any benefits of the extra time spent walking? Is there a possible correlation between America’s obesity epidemic and a lack of physical activity?

Thanks for taking my driver’s test. By the way, I lied–there aren’t grades. But if you made it this far, let me know what you think about my rules. Am I right on the money, or dead wrong? You decide! 😉