The first rule of dropping off a load in the work bathroom is don’t go in there if someone else is already making a delivery. It’s a simple rule, and it’s effective, because I don’t care how many delivery docks there are, only one should be used at a time. Unless you have a serious emergency. Then and only then is it permissible to unload while another delivery is in progress.

The second rule is, if you must break the first rule, never use an adjacent dock. Never ever. If there are only two docks in the bathroom, leave immediately. If there is only one more available one, leave immediately. The docks are only separated by four feet and a black plastic wall that stops ten inches above the floor. This is nowhere near enough room to conduct your delivery in peace. What I find remarkable is how often people break this rule. In fact, people willfully break it. Where I work there are three docks, and I have lost count of how many times someone will choose the dock next to mine even when the other, farther away dock is empty. Why in the hell would anyone ever do that? And yet it happens all the time.

The third rule is eat responsibly. This way, when you drop off your load, you don’t make such a scene. If your load turns to liquid on a daily basis, your diet contains way too much fat. Try eating some fiber every once in a while. You don’t always have to go ahead and have that third chili dog. (The exception to this rule is on Friday morning, if you happened to go drinking with your friends on Thursday night).

The fourth rule is don’t push your pants so far down that they puddle on the floor. The floor in a men’s bathroom is nasty. Don’t let anything but the soles of your feet touch it. If I can see any part of your hairy, white legs, your pants are pushed too far down. And for heaven’s sake, if you’re required to wear a nametag on your belt, don’t let the damn thing touch the ground. I can see your mug shot from where I’m sitting, and I don’t want to. (More than once I’ve seen someone actually reach down and turn their nametag around, so that I can’t see their face. Which is great, but why is it touching the floor in the first place?

The fifth rule is stop trying so hard. Besides making everyone in the dock area uncomfortable, your grunting and heavy breathing and squeezing is just going to hurt you in the end. You can dramatically reduce your chances of having to buy Preparation H in the future if you’ll stop pushing like a woman giving birth.

The sixth rule is don’t have a telephone conversation when making a delivery. If you do, I’m going break rule number five and make all kinds of freakish noises until you get off the phone.

The seventh rule is do not attempt to engage me in conversation while making your delivery. I don’t want to talk to you. I’m pretending you’re not there. I’m playing golf on my cell phone, and I may have a chance to break my previous record, so leave me alone.

The eighth rule is, if you leave your newspaper in the dock after you depart, don’t take the sports section with you. You can take the “Living” section and “Entertainment” and even the front page. But leave the sports section so other delivery drivers can enjoy it.

Those are all the rules I can think of at this time. If you know of any rules I missed, please let me know. Obeying these simple rules will make the delivery process better for everyone. Thanks for your attention in this matter.

Have a great weekend,