TULSA, OK –
In what many are calling a startling move, Yahweh–known to believers around the world as the Lord our God–has left his summer home in Tulsa, OK for the pinko commie country of France.
Arriving by private jet at Orly Airport, Yahweh said in a statement that America had lost its way, and that He could no longer justify His residence there…even though He would be forfeiting the ability to purchase eggs and long underwear and lawn mower oil at 2 o’clock in the morning.
“Thou shalt not find Wal-Marts in France,” sayeth the Lord.
The reason for God’s relocation? Two words: Paris Hilton.
According to the Associated Press, the wealthy and wildly unattractive Ms. Hilton has declared her recent jail sentence a message from God to change her party-loving lifestyle and become a positive role model for people who look up to her.
“I’m not the same person I was,” Hilton recently told a decaying Barbara Walters. “”I used to act dumb. It was an act. I am 26 years old, and that act is no longer cute.”
Ms. Hilton went on to say, “I have been thinking that I want to do different things when I am out of here.” Like “…get toy companies to build a kind of Paris Hilton playhouse, where sick children might come.”
“I have become much more spiritual. God has given me this new chance.”
When asked about Ms. Hilton’s statement, God could barely contain His laughter.
“Paris can sayeth what she wants, but I know the truth. In fact, I know everything.”
And what is the truth?
“I didn’t send her any message. That skank has never so much as looked in my direction and now she thinks I’m going to ask her to be a role model? She is the epitome of everything that is wrong with American celebrity culture.”
“What would be the message?” Yahweh went on to ask. “It’s okay to be stupid as long as you’re rich? Or that giving bad blow jobs on video will make you famous? Is that the message we want to send to My children?”
Ms. Hilton, when reached for comment about God’s Word, had this to say. “I got my G.E.D. That’s hot.”
When asked what happened in the jail that led to her being reassigned to serve her sentence at her Hollywood Hills home, the heiress said she had not been wailing, sobbing or screaming as had been widely reported.
“I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage. It was a horrible experience.”
“Of course she felt like she was in a cage!” an angry God responded. “She was in freaking JAIL.”
Hilton, who has been reading newspapers and books including the Bible each day, said when she was not in her room, she could play ping pong.
“It’s one of my hobbies,” said Hilton. “I also like to disco dance and sunbathe.”
Ms. Hilton also spoke about the conditions of the correctional facility, where she dons either an orange or brown jumpsuit, and is not allowed makeup or skincare products.
“My skin is very dry,” she said. “But it doesn’t matter — I’m not that superficial girl.”
Upon hearing this quote, God laughed so hard that He blew out the Sun, and it took Him several hours to reignite it. Or maybe the Sun went down in Paris. Something like that.
But Ms. Hilton was not deterred. “I’m giving my life over to Him. He has to take it. He’s God.
“Besides, I wrote a bestseller. Only smart people write books. That means me!”
“Her license was suspended after being charged with a DUI,” God sayeth. “So what does she do? She drives 70 mph in 35 mph zone after dark with her lights off. Does that sound smart to you?”
It also appears that God does not plan to return to the U.S. anytime soon.
“It’s only a matter of time now. Remember, I prophesized this.”
God is referring, of course, to His line in Revelation Chapter 17:
“The great whore that sitteth upon many waters: with whom the kings of the earth have committed fornication, and the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.”
“She’s the Whore of Babylon,” God sayeth. “The fall of civilization can’t be far behind. Despite the overrated food and rude waiters, France is looking pretty good right now. And the women are hot. Have you seen that Laetitia Casta? I broke the mold when I made her!”
* Portions of this article were referenced from the Herald Sun, Australia’s biggest-selling daily newspaper.