Wounded Tiger

10:04 P.M. February 18. It’s around 10 o’clock on Thursday night, about twelve hours before Tiger Woods is scheduled to give a highly controlled statement to the press about “transgressions” against his family, and I’m wondering how to feel. Some of you may remember I...

New Bananas Foster Cappuccino

I normally refuel my car at QuikTrip, a regional convenience store chain that differentiates itself from others with clean facilities and prompt, friendly customer service. I mean, I don’t really give a shit about the customer service because I always pay at the pump,...

Richard à clef

Recently I wrote a novel. Well, I didn’t write the whole thing recently, but I did recently finish it, and by finish I mean I’m waiting to hear from my agent if he likes it or not. He’ll suggest changes and so will an eventual editor, so it’s not really “finished.” In...

The Customer is Irrelevant: Another Life in Retail

When I was 19 I took a job at Sears, Roebuck, and Co. The company was named after Richard Sears, Alvah Roebuck, and Bad Company (the English rock supergroup). If you’ve ever wondered who Roebuck was, I can tell you (according to Wikipedia) that the name came from...

No One Likes It When You Use Vulcan Logic

I remember quite clearly, when I was 10 or so, a television commercial for Tylenol. The message went something like this: “Extra Strength Tylenol has more pain-relieving medicine than Regular Strength Bayer Aspirin.” I was only 10 years old. I shouldn’t have even been...

Hi, I’m Barbara Walters

A little more than a week ago I had LASIK, and so far I couldn’t be more pleased with it. If any of you are considering the surgery, you’ve likely read about the overwhelming success rate. But you might also be nervous about having someone cut your eyes....

Experiments in Honesty, Volume 2: At the Gym

Ashley (on the phone): I’m on my way to the gym. Want to meet me there? Meredith: I can’t. I’m going to watch Big Brother 8 and eat ice cream straight out of the tub. Ashley: And you’re hoping Shaun will booty call you later. Meredith: That,...

Experiments in Honesty, Volume 1: New Girl at Work

Johnny: Hey, you must be new here. I haven’t seen you around before. Amy: Today is my first day. I’m really nervous. You’re pretty cute, but today the only thing I’m worried about is not making an ass out of myself. And on top of that I got my...